Double Scotch with a shot of Amnesia, please.

I have been carrying the burden of knowing for nearly three months now. There are some days when the thought never even crosses my mind, but most days I feel the need to curl up into a ball on my bed... be as small as possible so that it doesn't hurt as much... and It is all I can think about.

It.

When I think of It, I cannot even think of the complete THING because I can't bear to. It hurts too much. Even now, even writing this, I cannot go on.

Erase and rewind, please?

I have an uncanny ability of writing people off. As if they were characters in the planning stages of a novel I am writing.

It used to be easy. I would decide to be done with them and after that fact, they would simply cease to exist in my consciousness.

I don't wonder why it's not possible to do the same with you because I know: the planning stage is over; the printers have started and you are a flesh and blood character.

Turn the page, this is merely the prologue.

Fortune Cookie

You are open and honest in your philosophy of love.

As usual, she allowed a smile to grace her lips at the silly bit of fluff before tossing the fortune aside to pick up the mint resting on the receipt. Philosophy is right.

What most of her peers accepted as authorative, she regretfully shied away from.

To good reason.

Daily Idiom

On the horns of a dilemma.
If you are on the horns of a dilemma,
you are faced with a choice
between two equally unpleasant options.

To free fall to a possible painful end or to save myself before the jump and never know if Disneyland was waiting at the bottom?

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

It's just unfair. There she thought that she was the only person in the world who had ever gone through that particular emotional roller-coaster, however she had missed the fact that there was quite a line growing behind her and that the ride was already going while she was still waiting on the safe, hard ground.

The unfairness that this particular hormonally challenged teenager was referring to was the fact that somebody else had already found the perfect words to describe the feelings she was having. It didn't help that they happened to match it to a good tune and then made money out of it, either.

But there she went, for the umpteenth time that day, and reached for her iPod, scrolling through her list til she found it again. The words flowed easily from her sore heart:

Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?

I sing ya songs I dance a dance
I gave ya friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you
And maybe you been through this before
But its my first time
So please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you

I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But its not my scene
Wont this plot not twist?
I've had enough mystery.
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well im already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting

Well if I was in your position
Id put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
No I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool, foool

Was going to post an update.

It could have gone either way: overly personal or too vague.

I think it's best if I keep my words to myself for the time being. Words can wound. I know because I've been stung. So to those who pointed out that I've been silent, that I've been absent...

I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable with my silence.

So... sik jadi.