Watching the sad, limp petals drop off the flowers she'd bought for herself last weekend... she realised how beautiful the shedding of the outer layers was. More than anything, she wanted to shrug her materialistic worries off her heavy-laden shoulders and just breathe free.
To be naked.
Exposed.
And still be loved.
She yearned for the raw beauty of the honesty.
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
I hate morning birds
Birds herald the dawning of a new sun,
Less majestic,
Than the trumpeting flourish
Preceding a fallen emperor.
Beautiful nonetheless.
Fear grips the heart of
The listener.
Ridden with guilt for the theft
of the dark of night
In anxiety he waits.
The birds signal the new morning,
they prepare for a new day.
The one that greets them waiting,
to run to bed or brave it and stay...
---
Here's the deal. It's 6 in the morning and I'm still awake, why? Because once again my procrastinating ass decided it would be a good idea to wait til the very last minute (I mean the very last, I'm not exaggerating here) to write my 3000 word essay. The birds piss me off.
Less majestic,
Than the trumpeting flourish
Preceding a fallen emperor.
Beautiful nonetheless.
Fear grips the heart of
The listener.
Ridden with guilt for the theft
of the dark of night
In anxiety he waits.
The birds signal the new morning,
they prepare for a new day.
The one that greets them waiting,
to run to bed or brave it and stay...
---
Here's the deal. It's 6 in the morning and I'm still awake, why? Because once again my procrastinating ass decided it would be a good idea to wait til the very last minute (I mean the very last, I'm not exaggerating here) to write my 3000 word essay. The birds piss me off.
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
Hazy Days
It was a novel feeling... being dispensable. The novelty soon wore off and the anger, hurt and most significant of all... the confusion set in. The anger and hurt were easy enough to deal with, they weren't new emotions and they rarely had the opportunity to fester into anything deeper and more influential.
The confusion however... that one rubbed the wrong way.
Confusion has the tendency to carry on and creep up on a person during the most inopportune moments. Particularly disruptive was when the confusion peeked through during a social gathering. It was harder to mimic socially acceptable behaviour when one was riddled with the overwhelming feeling of being completely and utterly... lost.
Like a length of ribbon thrown in the wind, or a child's paper boat floating down the rocky and sometimes tumultuous current of a drain.
Caught staring at nothing, the confused member of the pack slapped on a nonchalant grin and reverted to the loud and sometimes obnoxious behaviour that the group had grown accustomed to. Best to spare others the same desolation and pretend.
The paper boat got caught on a rock and slowly sank to the bottom of the drain as the water seeped through the material.
Pretending made it seem as if being a disintegrating piece of a once majestic tree meant nothing more than just... that.
The confusion however... that one rubbed the wrong way.
Confusion has the tendency to carry on and creep up on a person during the most inopportune moments. Particularly disruptive was when the confusion peeked through during a social gathering. It was harder to mimic socially acceptable behaviour when one was riddled with the overwhelming feeling of being completely and utterly... lost.
Like a length of ribbon thrown in the wind, or a child's paper boat floating down the rocky and sometimes tumultuous current of a drain.
Caught staring at nothing, the confused member of the pack slapped on a nonchalant grin and reverted to the loud and sometimes obnoxious behaviour that the group had grown accustomed to. Best to spare others the same desolation and pretend.
The paper boat got caught on a rock and slowly sank to the bottom of the drain as the water seeped through the material.
Pretending made it seem as if being a disintegrating piece of a once majestic tree meant nothing more than just... that.
Monday, 23 March 2009
Insight?
The newcomer observed the rituals, gripped with fascination and a sense of enlightenment. It occurred to her that this was the game everybody took to with such mixed reactions... to her though, it was all tainted with a sense of being outside herself.
Here she was participating and yet observing. She wasn't completely consumed by the somewhat ceremonial act, but she was aware of the ability to be so engrossed in the movements and rhythms in the future.
That was going to take a while to happen, though.
Like a new bird testing out its wings, she dipped a toe in the scalding water.
Retreated rapidly.
The gentle coaxing of the ripples drew her out once more and this time she found something she quite liked. A quick smile flitted over her features and she dove into the pool, feeling the water surround her. Her lungs felt too tight and her body moved with uneven, jerky motions but there was clearly something there.
All too soon her human need to breathe made itself known and she resurfaced, taking a deep breath that filled her blood with oxygen. Her pumping blood, which she could feel was a deep, thick red. It didn't occur to her how strange it was to be able to feel colours, but that was how her blood felt at the moment.
As if her entire being was on fire.
The current took her back to shore and there she lay on the rough sand, permeated with the occasional pebble. Her vision grew blurry as she squinted into the sun, but she stared straight into the blazing ball regardless of the tears that built up in her now stinging eyes.
The knowledge of the rules of the game had changed her.
Now she was prepared.
---
Don't ask. It wouldn't make sense to anybody but me...
Here she was participating and yet observing. She wasn't completely consumed by the somewhat ceremonial act, but she was aware of the ability to be so engrossed in the movements and rhythms in the future.
That was going to take a while to happen, though.
Like a new bird testing out its wings, she dipped a toe in the scalding water.
Retreated rapidly.
The gentle coaxing of the ripples drew her out once more and this time she found something she quite liked. A quick smile flitted over her features and she dove into the pool, feeling the water surround her. Her lungs felt too tight and her body moved with uneven, jerky motions but there was clearly something there.
All too soon her human need to breathe made itself known and she resurfaced, taking a deep breath that filled her blood with oxygen. Her pumping blood, which she could feel was a deep, thick red. It didn't occur to her how strange it was to be able to feel colours, but that was how her blood felt at the moment.
As if her entire being was on fire.
The current took her back to shore and there she lay on the rough sand, permeated with the occasional pebble. Her vision grew blurry as she squinted into the sun, but she stared straight into the blazing ball regardless of the tears that built up in her now stinging eyes.
The knowledge of the rules of the game had changed her.
Now she was prepared.
---
Don't ask. It wouldn't make sense to anybody but me...
Saturday, 14 March 2009
Bluff Intimacy
The two strangers arrived at the peak when they came to the simultaneous realisation that their journey together would end there. Having assumed that their ultimate destination was common, it was rather surprising that this revelation did not surprise either one of them at all.
After all, regular connotations had underlined their entire excursion.
They had met at the beginning of the path, though it was far from the beginning for either one of them. That location was simply the fateful meeting point of their own individual paths.
An exchanged smile and a few platonic words marked the beginning of their hike upwards. As each foot was swallowed up by their eager - albeit somewhat tentative - steps, a little more of their personalities were revealed to each other until both believed that they knew the other well.
The hours passed and the sun rose up high above their heads. They shared the peace that blankets humanity at the moment where the sun hangs briefly over the horizon... right before it sank out of their sight as if a child had dropped a biscuit in a glass of cold milk.
Dark greeted them and like children seeking comfort, they were drawn to each other. They fooled themselves that this connection ran deeper, when the truth hidden not so far below the surface was that their intentions were purely selfish: each wanted what the other could give them, yet neither was willing to relinquish the control over their own being completely.
Not to a complete stranger.
It became apparent to both parties in the dawning light of the new day that their travelling companion was merely an acquaintance. Despite the intimacy perceived in their conversations and actions, they had barely scratched the superficial exteriors of the other.
So as they observed the expansive valley ahead of them, a polite smile was shared and a goodbye was bartered for a half-hearted assurance in a possible parley in the ambiguous future.
Paths were chosen, and the brief fellowship came to an end.
The awareness of the significance of their recent uphill foray weighed heavily on both their minds as they progressed down their determined paths: that brief interaction - however insignificant it seemed to an outsider - had changed something fundamental within each individual.
They were altered.
After all, regular connotations had underlined their entire excursion.
They had met at the beginning of the path, though it was far from the beginning for either one of them. That location was simply the fateful meeting point of their own individual paths.
An exchanged smile and a few platonic words marked the beginning of their hike upwards. As each foot was swallowed up by their eager - albeit somewhat tentative - steps, a little more of their personalities were revealed to each other until both believed that they knew the other well.
The hours passed and the sun rose up high above their heads. They shared the peace that blankets humanity at the moment where the sun hangs briefly over the horizon... right before it sank out of their sight as if a child had dropped a biscuit in a glass of cold milk.
Dark greeted them and like children seeking comfort, they were drawn to each other. They fooled themselves that this connection ran deeper, when the truth hidden not so far below the surface was that their intentions were purely selfish: each wanted what the other could give them, yet neither was willing to relinquish the control over their own being completely.
Not to a complete stranger.
It became apparent to both parties in the dawning light of the new day that their travelling companion was merely an acquaintance. Despite the intimacy perceived in their conversations and actions, they had barely scratched the superficial exteriors of the other.
So as they observed the expansive valley ahead of them, a polite smile was shared and a goodbye was bartered for a half-hearted assurance in a possible parley in the ambiguous future.
Paths were chosen, and the brief fellowship came to an end.
The awareness of the significance of their recent uphill foray weighed heavily on both their minds as they progressed down their determined paths: that brief interaction - however insignificant it seemed to an outsider - had changed something fundamental within each individual.
They were altered.
Thursday, 5 March 2009
Losing Sleep - Charlotte Sometimes
I connect with songs. Lyrics speak to me, and sometimes I get the impression that I feel the words more than a normal person would. I pick up on parts of songs, a certain word, a twist of a phrase...
And it feels right.
It feels like the arrangement of the melody and the words have molded themselves to my being. For the past few days Monkey Majik's Closer To You was it, as of today... I've made up my mind, I won't be losing sleep anymore.
Be the winner you always were
Don't you, don't you dare lose
Be the humble girl you are
Don't cry in stranger's cars
La La goodnight
I'm awake and I've been losing sleep
I've been fighting all my demons
I've been getting weak
'Cause I've been trying, trying, trying
To be anything other than me
Be the star you know you are
Don't you, Don't you dare fail
You can own that balance beam
Two steps forward towards make believe
La La Goodnight
I'm awake and I've been losing sleep
I've been fighting all my demons
I've been getting weak
'Cause I've been trying, trying, trying
To be anything other than me
What a silly dream
Oh silly, silly me
To think I had a handle on this
When I know I know I lose
I know I know I Lose
We both know We both know
That I know I know I know I lose
We both now we both know that
And it feels right.
It feels like the arrangement of the melody and the words have molded themselves to my being. For the past few days Monkey Majik's Closer To You was it, as of today... I've made up my mind, I won't be losing sleep anymore.
Be the winner you always were
Don't you, don't you dare lose
Be the humble girl you are
Don't cry in stranger's cars
La La goodnight
I'm awake and I've been losing sleep
I've been fighting all my demons
I've been getting weak
'Cause I've been trying, trying, trying
To be anything other than me
Be the star you know you are
Don't you, Don't you dare fail
You can own that balance beam
Two steps forward towards make believe
La La Goodnight
I'm awake and I've been losing sleep
I've been fighting all my demons
I've been getting weak
'Cause I've been trying, trying, trying
To be anything other than me
What a silly dream
Oh silly, silly me
To think I had a handle on this
When I know I know I lose
I know I know I Lose
We both know We both know
That I know I know I know I lose
We both now we both know that
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
If home is where the heart is, does that mean my home is me?
I don't feel at home at home anymore.
Maybe it's due to the fact that I've lived on three continents and moved houses fifteen times in twenty one years. Maybe it's just that I never settled in one place long enough for it to become home.
How can a person feel at home... when in essence they don't truly belong anywhere?
Not geographically.
Nor socially.
I'm thankful to God, to my parents that I have never been homeless in the way that word is meant to mean. But I wish they had stayed somewhere long enough for me to build connections. I grew up avoiding close relationships, telling myself "People always leave."
Now I've come to realize that people don't leave.
I do.
Maybe it's due to the fact that I've lived on three continents and moved houses fifteen times in twenty one years. Maybe it's just that I never settled in one place long enough for it to become home.
How can a person feel at home... when in essence they don't truly belong anywhere?
Not geographically.
Nor socially.
I'm thankful to God, to my parents that I have never been homeless in the way that word is meant to mean. But I wish they had stayed somewhere long enough for me to build connections. I grew up avoiding close relationships, telling myself "People always leave."
Now I've come to realize that people don't leave.
I do.
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